New Mum Identity Crisis - Who am I now?

Motherhood is full of surprises. What has thrown me more than I ever expected was the total identity crisis I felt. Suddenly, you are entered into a world where everything you used to do has changed. The people you may have seen at work every day, gone. My husband went to back to work after two weeks. 

It's you and a small human who you don't really know all that well. You may have met some new 'mum friends' at antenatal classes. You talk endlessly about babies and all that entails... but that's as far as the adult conversation goes for large parts of the day. 

Our bodies change in a big way. My post baby body largely resembles an uncooked loaf of bread; my entire physique, 'doughy'. My boobs look like nappy sacks half filled with water. My hair, well, my hair is a real treat. It's a lot to get your head around if beforehand you had some sort of pride in your appearance. 

I vaguely remember life before pushing out a small human. It was a far less complicated time. It was also far less noisy, messy and there was much more sleep. More than any of that however, pre baby, I had more of a handle on who I was. My early thirties were a haze of post student vibes. I was a few years into a chosen career, in a committed relationship, able to afford the bills, could travel, eat out and then...

Bam. BABY. 

I remember many older members of my family saying that becoming a mother may 'complete me', or 'fill the void', or 'be my reason for living'. For sure, my little boy is undoubtedly the love of my life. But has he completed me? Perhaps, perhaps not. Regardless, he has certainly turned everything I know on its head. 

I've mentioned previously that I had to find a new job after having a baby, and that was TERRIFYING. There was already so much change! Then suddenly I had to impress a new boss, get to know a new team, actually function at work AND look after a child? And myself? What? I was barely sleeping. It seemed impossible. Ironically, going back to work is the best thing I ever did. It reminded my I'm not just a mum. 

Nearly two years and I often feel quite resentful and angry, that my entire life has had to change because I had a baby. Biologically it falls on me to carry the baby, push it out, feed the baby with my boobs, etc. I am a person that needs a lot of personal space, time to myself and more than anything loves to do stuff. Go for dinner, go to the theatre, travel. (A toddler at on a plane? Good lord.)

There have been times when I’ve felt so mad at my husband for being able to go out at the drop of a hat. His job is totally unaffected with no sacrifices being made on his part. He can come back at whatever time he needs to. He sleeps through anything. It makes me want to stab him in the eyes. He’s an amazing Dad, but man oh man, I hate him for his freedom and his perky boobs.

We have little support here so it's just me and my husband holding the fort. I've forgotten what it's like to be just the two of us. I've forgotten what it's like to be just me. 

There is of course the most wonderful flip side to all of this. I am a woman, I have had a baby and that is powerful. It is all too easy to overlook what a miracle that is every, single, day. And I was lucky enough to give birth to the most amazing little boy. I find myself having a cry at times at just how great he is, at how much I love him. I have never loved anything or anyone like this in my entire life. So as much as I struggle with getting to grips with this 'mother' version of myself, I love being a mum. I really do. 

We don't only give birth to our babies, we give birth to a new version of ourselves as a mother. It is undoubtedly a gift and one we have to work hard to appreciate at times. But with that new role, comes a super power and a chance to work on being the best version of ourselves for us and our kids. I'm still right at the start of that journey, but I intend of giving it a go.