Mum vs Dad - Who's Keeping Score?

England 2-0 Germany

Mum 7-2 Dad

When you become parents for the first time, relationships can take an absolute battering. Everything changes over night. As with everything, sleep deprivation plays a huge part and can turn what would have been a small bicker into a full blown battle. My husband and I are both very outgoing and have our own circle of friends, independent of each other. So that change knocked us for six. The first few months went by in a total haze, to be honest I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Something I've noticed is that we tend to 'keep score' of what we've been doing. For example I could say, 'I was up from 1-5am with him' - for my husband to say, 'yes but I did the whole day yesterday and made dinner, again' etc. I know for a fact we have both exaggerated slightly at times in the hope it will mean one of us gets a bit of respite. 

It is very, very easy to build resentment towards your partner with children in tow. If you don't catch it early enough that resentment can turn very nasty indeed. I'm sure this is the case with many relationships, whatever the dynamic, however I can only talk from a heterosexual man and wife perspective; as that is my reality. There have been many times within my friendship group in which the phrase 'i'll help you bury the body' has been used in relation to something one of the husbands has done, which has made us want to kill them. It is a miracle none of us are in prison. 

The other mums just GET it. There is like this unspoken understanding. When your child kicks off in Tescos, a solemn nod from another mum lets you know, they just get it. They understand the 'mother-load', the never ending to do list, the breastfeeding, the hormones, the guilt. I am sure that there are many men out there that are completely in touch and go out of there way to be supportive. For many, it just isn't that easy - how can they understand something that simply hasn't happened to them? 

Keeping score doesn't help anybody. It doesn't solve problems. It doesn't demonstrate to your child how to love and support each other. It doesn't communicate what each other needs, or explain that we are struggling. But my god, when you're doing bedtime for the millionth time in a row, it's hard not to keep track. 

I have been working on not 'reacting'. By this I mean not exploding outwards when I am upset or angry. This is really challenging when i'm bloody exhausted at times, as we all are. I'm trying to take a deep breath and communicate clearly what's wrong or how I need help, without demanding or blaming. My husband is trying to listen and not do the polar opposite to me, which is retreat inwards and block me out. Both things really, really p*ss the other party off. We both love each other beyond measure, even when we're both mega dicks.

Saying 'do you want advice, or do you want comfort and a hug?' is a question that I believe really helps. Being told what to do when you're just really upset isn't helpful sometimes. I know I often just need to have a cry and I feel better. 

Instead of keeping score of what I've been doing, I try to notice what my husband has been doing, and saying thank you. It is an ongoing learning curve, that will undoubtedly continue to peak and trough for the rest of time. Oh, the joy! One thing can be said for parenthood, you can choose to let it be an opportunity for growth and change which is hard work, but worth it!