Mums On The Pull... (For Other Mums)

Now that I'm in my 30's, (ever closer to 40) the thought of going 'out on the pull' makes me wither and die inside. In my twenties however, I was a disco ball of fun. I distinctly recall slathering myself in fake tan, an alarming amount of glitter, and straightening my hair within an inch of its life. A few bottles of WKD blue later and wham bam thank you mam - I'm in my twenties and on a night out, potentially 'on the pull'. The nervous anticipation of the night ahead would loom; would that boy be there from the week before? Would my spaghetti strap sequin top and Miss Sixty jeans lure him in to my glittery trap? I'm sure a dodgy 'slut drop' to Dirrty by Christina Aguilera would do it.

Ah, the golden era of fashion. 

Off to the bar for some 'Singapore Slings'. If we were lucky, the nightclub monster truck would do shuttle runs from the bar to the the club. Clearly, this was the height of glamour. Once inside, there were podiums for budding 'dancers', a shower, and a jacuzzi. Yes, a shower. We were actively persuaded to get in the shower fully clothed and dance. Apparently, this was hot. These days I can't go anywhere without a vest tucked in, let alone tumble out of a nightclub soaked to the bone. At uni, snakebite was drunk by the gallon. Everyone ran in slow motion to the Baywatch theme tune at the end of the night and some rugby player always had his willy out somewhere. We were young, wild, fun, free and looking for someone to love. 

Glitter vs Toddler Snot

Fast forward nearly 20 years. 

• Young? Relatively. 
• Wild? Bikini line, yes. 
• Fun? If you count sitting in a dark room face down to be fun, oh yeah. 
• Free? Yesterday, I went to the dentist. It cost a fortune. It was the first time I'd left the house on my own in over a month. Not free in any sense of the word.

However, I find I am still very much 'on the pull'. Just in a very different way. I went to the local park armed with some duck feed, snacks and a coffee. Little man heads straight for the swings - naturally. But then, there she is. Another mum - coffee in hand. Lovely coat on, nice hair, looks super friendly. She's smiling and laughing with her child and I think - could I be friends with her? She might be cool to hang out with? I start thinking of what I could say. 

"I like your coat..."

Dull.

"Do you come here often?"

FFS.

"How old is your little one?"

Or, in a cry of desperation:

"PLEASE BE MY FRIEND?"

Then I look down. I'm wearing leggings with some questionable stains on, no make up and the standard hair bun. I am reminiscent of Matilda's Trunchbull. Gone are my glittery, GHD days. I give up - I doubt she wants to befriend the neighbourhood tramp. Nearly every time I walk away without a phone number. Where has my confidence gone? 

The loneliness of being a parent is something that really isn't talked about often enough. In days gone by there would have been more of a support network, the 'village' people talk of. These days it's very different in the West, without the pandemic magnifying it tenfold.  Many of us go from a busy working day, surrounded by people and conversation - to suddenly hanging out with a small child who doesn't want to talk to you about anything that makes sense. In my previous life I was a teacher; so the conversation and noise was constant. Now, the silence is, well, deafening at times. I consider myself to be a fairly confident person and I love seeing people. Striking up new friendships when you're knackered and covered in another human's snot is not as easy as when you're all young and sparkly.

Part of my plan this year is to approach people, even if I'm dying inside. Just smile, say hello. Make myself feel more confident by wearing clothes that bring me joy. Not for anyone else, but just for me. If I get rejected - there is nothing I can do. They're missing out! If you can't love me in leggings... you don't deserve me in sequins.

Social media communities are popping up everywhere in support of parents. 

There is an app called Peanut, which is essentially Tinder for Mums. It's meant to be great - maybe i'll give it a try. 

https://www.peanut-app.io

It's worth mentioning Pandas. They are an incredible support group for parents who need just that, support. 

https://pandasfoundation.org.uk

I attended classes with the amazing Mumma's Village team and made some wonderful friends there. They are based in the Surrey, Hampshire, Berkshire, Bucks and surrounding areas. Anna (one of the directors) was my guardian angel pre and post birth. 

https://www.themummasvillage.co.uk

If you are feeling lonely, reach out - it's totally normal to feel that way after having a baby. There will be someone who will listen. Motherhood can be isolating but what we have achieved as parents is nothing short of miraculous. It is something to celebrate and be proud of - it's is a beautiful commonality that gives us plenty to talk about.

Next time i'm at the park, I might end up with the phone number and a playdate. Here's hoping!