Treat Yourself as You Treat Your Children

As the year draws to a close, the prospect of making new years resolutions dawns on us all. The mounting pressure of losing weight, getting fit, reducing screen time and achieving your dreams begins as ever on 26th December. Social media algorithms will start pushing gym memberships, magic pills and beautiful filters to make us feel like the mince pie filled versions of ourselves aren't good enough. (Earlier on this week my phone suggested a double chin removing exercise. It must be the amount of time the forward facing camera is staring up at my lack of jawline.) I have to admit, my head has been whirling with all the goals I ‘should’ set for 2022.

Let's not beat around the bush; the last two years has been an absolute sh*t show for most of us. Surviving a global pandemic is no mean feat. Personally, I feel as though i'm in constant survival mode these days. Permenantly fight, sometimes wishing for flight mode. Gabor Mate (world famous physician, author and public speaker) recently quoted that 'motherhood is the hardest it's been since World War 2'. I don't know any different, but I do know it is exhausting. Wonderful, but exhausting. 

There has undoubtedly been some beautiful moments. As I say in every post; I love my little boy more than life itself. For me, motherhood has shone an alarmingly bright light on my own faults, insecurities, unresolved trauma and pain as well as the things I am good at, things I want to achieve and that the reminder that life is far too short to sit around doing something that makes me miserable. I want to be a strong role model, so that Charlie can say - Mum was a rockstar. She made her dreams happen and so I can do the same. (Blimey, just typing that is exhausting. I bet reading it is too. But I will try.)

I try exceptionally hard at parenting. I try to make sure little man eats well, gets enough fresh air and exercise, drinks enough water, has a solid routine, enough sleep as well as lots of fun. I tell him I love him every single day. I put far too much pressure on myself. 

Do I do that for myself? Do I ‘eck. Do I shovel chocolate in as though it's going out of fashion? Yes I do. Do I wear 'lounge wear' for most of the day, moving at a very slow pace for most of the time? Yes, I do. Am I, a giant, tired slug? Yes! Yes I am. I have put so much effort into mothering that I have forgotten to look after myself almost entirely. It's worse than ever. I'm heavier than i've ever been, I feel awful, I don't go to bed early and to be frank, I am almost nearly always teetering on the edge of falling into a (metaphorical) big, black hole. Like I said, it's survival. I know that may not make sense for some of you; it may be easy to make all the right choices. For many of us, it really isn't.

SO. What can I do about this, once and for all? Sure, I have things I want to achieve. I want to write for a living and I won't stop till I get there. I actually quit my job to put myself and my family first, and do something I love. But it's all about the long game for me. Will I join a gym? No, and I won't suddenly go on a juice diet and meditate for three hours a day as of January 1st. Right now these things are too much of a leap for me - it's unachievable and i'd be setting my self up to fail.

What I will do is this. I will aim to ‘parent’ myself. I will look at the care I take of my child, and try to do the same for me. When things get difficult, I will do my best to be the most wise, loving version of myself. What would that person say? From a parent perspective, what would I say to my little man if he was going through something tough? I like to think I wouldn't encourage him to self sabotage and binge watch Sex and The City re runs till 2am. 

There are a few quotes that have really stuck with me recently. I read the phrase, 'never say anything in front of your child - that you wouldn't want them to say about themselves'.  For example, if our children constantly hear us putting ourselves down, saying things such as 'i'm fat' or, 'i'm stupid' - the likelihood is they will carry that outlook into their own future. Our words go such a long way into empowering our children to believe in themselves... or not.

Secondly, 'the greatest inheritance you can give your child is your own happiness.' Oh mama; that one gets me every time. Children are little sponges, they sense and absorb every mood. Every fight, every fear... no matter how much we think we shield them. (Luckily, it works for the good stuff too.) My marriage has really suffered throughout this pandemic and we don't want that to affect our son. My husband and I have to think really carefully about what we do regularly and whether that works for all of us.

I’ve learnt the hard way that near on killing yourself for the sake of your child is not clever at all. A parent running at 4% is no good to anyone. I have had to weigh up whether some of my parenting choices are because I can't let go, or because I think little one isn't ready. For example, this year we finally stopped holding our now two year old to sleep. There were many reasons for this, including legitimate medical reasons, but deep down, I wasn't ready to let go of those cuddles. My back told me otherwise, and I had to let go. We're all much happier for it. 

The first few months of the 2022 could be spent in another lockdown; dare I say it. We are all grieving the life we had before COVID whether we realise it or not. We can't control what happens and that's scary, but as the saying goes - we can control how we react. (I know that isn’t easy; at all.) 

I'm starting small. I'm a huge procrastinator, which in itself has many layers to unravel but I can make the following, realistic goals for myself.

• Be my own parent- what would I say or do for my own child? Do that. I'll try to mirror the care I take of Chops, and turn it into care for myself.
• Drink water like it's my job.
• Stick to counselling twice a month. (Best money I've ever spent.)
• Find pockets of joy where I can.

That's it. That's where I'm starting - no big, huge unobtainable goals right now. Maybe by February i'll feel less like i'm about to fall in that hole, and can make set more exciting targets than this. But for now, that's enough. I'm enough. (I'll keep saying it till I believe it!) 

I’m aware this isn’t the most awe inspiring, go get it blog entry. But after a very tough year or so, I think it’s important we are kind to ourselves, be gentle and take the pressure off. Day by day, moment by moment. It’s all we’ve got! 

Happy New Year!

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