Motherhood - A Constant Contradiction .

YES/NO What?

For me motherhood means living in a constant state of contradiction. Blissful moments of joy, right alongside moments of absolute horror.

I believe there is a guilt that lingers in within all of us mums, not helped by centuries of conditioning around the idea that the woman's only role is 'wife and mother'. These days we work, we parent, hell we even vote. We do it all. There is a sense that if you are bored, lonely, or fed up then there's something wrong with you. 

Having a baby should (apparently) be everything we ever needed, but what if it's not? What if you find yourself clock watching till nap/bedtime and the lack of conversation is crippling. You're surfing on a sea of vom and tears. You miss your job. You mourn for your 'old' life. Throw the torture of sleep deprivation into the mix and hey presto, you have yourself one crazy lady. 

I am not ashamed to admit I felt such such jealousy and resentment towards my husband. He was able to jet off, go back to work after two weeks, see his friends. He didn't have to ask if I could be with the baby so he could go and play football, or have a bath, or just go for a poo in peace. It was a given that I would fulfil the traditional role, because that's what we both grew up with. My god, I hated him for it. But then, there is that state of flux again, even if I could just go away for the night - would I want to? Was I ready to leave my little boy? No. But is it fair for someone to say, 'well that's your choice then!' 

(Trying to carve out a less 1930s/new relationship dynamic on no sleep and with a new human in your home is challenging to say the least. Alas, another post for another day.)

When making choices that are right for you and your child, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to struggle with it and find it hard. For example;

• Just because you haven't left your baby over night yet, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel like you really, really need a break.
• Just because you didn't go for hardcore sleep training - it doesn't mean can't feel exhausted and frustrated that your little one doesn't sleep.
• Just because you breastfeed your baby, it doesn't mean you have to love every moment. (I felt like a dairy cow, desperate to be put out to pasture so I could just lay the f*ck down.)

I remember my husband saying 'I don't care if you go out!' But that wasn't the point. As much as I was desperate for some me time, I wasn't ready. 

As a mother, at times whatever choice you make, it will feel like you are sacrificing something. Either a part of yourself, or the needs of your child. 

The culture we live in means putting an awful lot of pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mothers as well as superstar career women. Alongside a whole host of other issues that may prevent us from leaving them. It is madness.

I tried to explain to my husband, I don’t need him to say he doesn’t care if I jet off for the weekend - I would love for him to have some empathy for the fact that I would love to get away but feel like I can’t yet and that’s hard. Or to understand that being a mother changes your whole identity and it may take some time to piece together who that is. 

Women who choose to be stay at home mums, often get ridiculed for being 'ladies that lunch'. Perhaps they put their child first and went with that. Perhaps they can afford to do that. Perhaps they're bored and hate it. Women that put their children into childcare all week so they can work often get criticised for neglecting their child. Maybe they need the money. Maybe they love their job. And then there's the women who work part time. All of which is bloody exhausting. Where's the win?

We are expected to parent like we don't work, and work like we're not parents. 

I don't want to come across ungrateful or negative here, I try to be honest and share my own experiences in the hope that others may read it and feel they're not alone. I am very privileged to have a part time job, I love my little man more than words could ever describe. It doesn't mean to say that balancing being a woman and a mother isn't blooming hard work.

What i'm working on is a sense of balance and being more present. I read somewhere that the greatest inheritance we can give our children is our own happiness. How powerful is that? At times we will need to put our own needs first, in order to survive. We need to drop the ball and let our partners crack on for a bit. Tame the inner control freak a little. Sure, my other half is going to do it differently and I may want to kill him for it but - who are we to say we're doing it right all the time anyway? What if we learn something from them in the process? 

I will never forget hearing my mother saying she was going to count to ten. As an adult, I really relate. Being present can be as simple as breathing in and breathing out, but being aware of it. A cup of tea and noticing what it tastes like, lighting a candle, feeling a hot shower for 2 minutes, a walk in the woods with the children and feeling the ground underfoot... noticing the smell of your baby's hair, feeling their warm little hand in yours. Moments of no contradiction, no guilt, letting go of control and just being. Sometimes it's the only way to survive. Letting go is ultimately one of the hardest parts of motherhood - you have limited control and for many of us that is really challenging. Being a mother is mirror to our own issues. Ouch. (I’ll be writing soon about the identity crisis that often comes with becoming a parent, it’s a big deal!)

Parenting will always be a contradiction, (YES! HE'S LEFT HOME/OH GOD I MISS HIM SO MUCH). I can guarantee that for most of us, the choices we are making come from a place of love - we are doing our best. We are all amazing, truly we are, and it’s really hard to remember that at times. 

I'm hoping that working on balance and being in the present, even if just for a moment or two, is a step towards finding a bit of peace in it all. 

N x